Thinking Thursday · Uncategorized

Thinking Thursday | Survive

via Daily Prompt: Survive

 

I work so hard to fight my anxiety.  To fight feeling out of control.

 

Authority figures terrify me.  I’m not sure why because I pretty much never get in trouble.  Talking to teachers, I’d literally bit my tongue to hold back tears.  When I got pulled over for speeding (the one and only time), I cried uncontrollably.  Just thinking about confronting someone will eventually leave me sitting on the floor, rocking back and forth, trying to remember how to breathe.

 

I hate how stupid it is.  I know, logically, that these things are survivable.  I know that.  But my body tenses up.  My chest tries to strangle my heart beat under control.  My brain won’t slow down.  It thinks and pushes the thoughts and feelings further and further.  Then I’m doubly frustrated, first at whatever situation calls for a confrontation, and second that I can’t get myself under control enough to actually do what’s necessary.

 

So I plan.  I put systems in place so as few things as possible upset me.  And that works, sometimes.  But life is unpredictable, uncontrollable.  People misunderstand and their intentions aren’t always clear.

 

In order to survive, I’m putting better systems in place.  Seeing a counselor.  Exercising.  An app on my phone.  Challenging myself.

 

I can’t avoid me forever.

 

-Smudged

Thinking Thursday · Uncategorized

Thinking Thursday

I write a lot of my blog posts on my non-driving portion of my commute home from work. Also, I’m lazy and the service is iffy, so this could be a re-write of something I wrote a week ago. Just a forewarning.
I’ve been trying to make myself healthy in a lot of different ways. Physically, spiritually, financially, etc. Trying to find a nice balance, something I can do for the rest of my life, like the way I always brush my teeth twice a day or shower daily.
I feel like I’ve already talked about jogging, how much it sucks, how I’ve gotten used to it, how I just do it now. I’ve definitely talked about how I enjoy going over my finances. That’s pretty habitual now.
Here’s the one I’m struggling with: diet. Diet meaning what you eat most of the time. Growing up, we were always on a diet. We didn’t yoyo diet, there was no massive gaining of weight between diets because there was no between diets. Mom would get bored of one and transition directly into the next. We ate very healthy meals most of the time. I went to college and managed to eat more than I bargained for and gained more than I was comfortable with. Look, I know that I have always been within a healthy weight range. But having eaten healthy and not healthy foods, I know there’s a difference between how I feel. The healthier I eat, the better I feel.
Once, I cut out sugar for a month. The cravings were hard, but I felt amazing. I’d really like to get myself to do that again (if only they would stop offering me the most amazing junk food at work). It didn’t feel sustainable though. Saying no to foods that are delicious is an exercise in torture. I tried no wheat for a month for no particular reason. It was nearly impossible, especially after I got food poisoning and could only eat crackers. Also, it really didn’t seem to have a decent change in feeling. It was mostly just annoying.
I’ve been trying a version of intermittent fasting, and it’s not nearly bad as I thought. It also seems really sustainable. But, I’m still definitely eating too much sugar.
I know the best option for me is to have complete control over the food that comes I to my home and to cook. But sadly, that’s not going to be the case for a long time. I live with people who cannot give up junk food. And I will eat it. Also, I love cooking, but I barely have any time between my jobs and my jogging.
I’m still figuring it out. Someday I’ll get there. Presumably once I’ve purchased a giant freezer so I can do all my grocery shopping once a year.
I hate grocery shopping.
-Smudged
Thinking Thursday · Uncategorized

Thinking Thursday

Today is Thinking Thursday so I’m going to talk about what’s on my mind today.
I was sitting on meetings today and yesterday, and as refreshing as it is to get away from my terrible desk, I’m not an active participant. I am a doodler. The less informative the meeting, the more advanced the doodles. It keeps me awake (which is more than I can say for everybody else). I was also feeling a little down because I haven’t posted what I would call my “good art.” The stuff of mine I genuinely like. Which, in a way, is more terrifying than posting junk. I know my junk is junk, I don’t care if other people agree with me. But posting my babies out into the world to be judged? That’s scary.
But that’s not what I want to talk about. I set out to draw a real human being the other day, which I posted. The drawings looked like a person, but not the person. I wasn’t using my preferred pencil and I was sketching with a purpose. But dangit, when I sketch with no purpose, mindlessly, I draw things I really like. (For example, the woman in the middle below).
20170427_165223
I can do good work (in my opinion, until I learn more and realize it wasn’t as good as I thought) when I work really hard.
20170427_164948.jpg
So my question for myself is, why do I like my bored sketches and my hard work but not the middle of the road stuff?
20170427_163813
And honestly, I think I have an answer. Now that I’ve thought on it. When I work hard, I’m focused, I fix things. When I’m bored, I do a TON of sketches. Obviously, some are bound to be good. Some are bound to be mind-numbingly atrocious. But when I do middle of the road stuff, it’s like doing one semi-focused bored sketch. Which probably only gives me like a 50/50 shot of it being any good.
Such is life.
-Smudged
Thinking Thursday · Uncategorized

Clothing Files

I know I decided this would be an art/finance blog, but as I was doing laundry today, I remembered something I do so I have more time for the stuff I love, or at least less stress.
Let me start from a while back, maybe too far back. I kept my room clean when I was little until the day I found my baby brother wrecked my room and I was expected to clean it up. I gave up a little that day. I also developed a fear of scarcity and became a little tiny hoarder and everything got really messy. Like couldn’t see the floor messy. I went to college and had a fresh start and realized I could replace things with money. I slowly started a path towards something like minimalism.
Which leads me to my ultimate point. I’m lazy. Like really lazy. I’ll do work to avoid more work.
So laundry is work. Work that never ends (unless I join a nudist colony and that is never happening). Laundry is sorting and never ending folding and jamming things hopelessly into drawers. And my husband owns probably two hundred t-shirts. I mean, never ending t-shirts. Someday I’ll count them, but that day is not today. We’d both make a mess of the drawers looking for “the one.” It was all very stressful. I’m basically like a Sim who gets distressed when the environment is off somehow.
Confession: I now file clothes. I fold them in this really cool way (like this, but I fold it in half again so it fits in the drawer) that I found in a book when I was a teenager. I make them stand on their sides and it is so hard to mess these drawers up.
Diag
You have to actively try to mess it up. I haven’t organized a drawer in ages. It makes my lazy heart so pleased.
I also have my closet in color order, but that’s another story.